DIMINUENDO

Thank you for purchasing the E.X.L Advanced Smart-Tech Bookmark. In
this instructional pamphlet, you will find a detailed description of features
accompanied by instructions for use. Along   with   its retina   display
summary screen, carbon fiber frame, goal setting progress meter, LED
“happy” reading light, and other features listed on the front (just look on
the front, these features are in a neat, bulleted list), the E.X.L Advanced

Smart-Tech Bookmark is customizable down to its core. The E.X.L.A.S-
T.B. menu can be navigated by two buttons located directly below the

screen. The green button will be used for selecting options such as
“reading alarm,” “save progress,” “save page,” and “calculate speed.” Do
not press the red button. Pressing the green button will make a short but
beautiful “click” after it is pressed. Blake (my boss) would like you to
press the red button, but I pressed the red button and I would like you to
not press the red button. The E.X.L.A.S-T.B. would appreciate it if you
used only the green button when you’d like to set a reading time or save
your current progress. The LED “happy” light can be turned on with the
green button or the yellow switch found below the red button. You are not
supposed to know about the yellow switch, but the yellow switch turns on
the light, as does the green button. The LED “happy” light uses
hydrophonic C-cell chemical reactions to imitate the sun’s pleasurable
radiation, causing immense happiness while reading. Screen display colors
include deep purple and blue, these can be changed using the green button
located next to the red button (discussed earlier) (do not press). Under no
menu can you select screen display colors other than deep purple and blue,
and because I didn’t take some bullshit high school color theory class “I
have no input on color schemes.” So on startup, Blake would like you to
choose between deep purple and blue for your screen display. Instead of
telling you this earlier, Blake wants to include this information towards
the end of the instruction pamphlet, because “we can’t start the pamphlet
with our greatest features.” Included in the E.X.L. Advanced Smart-Tech
but Poor Color Scheme Bookmark are a plethora of mysterious codes that

randomly appear on the screen when the bookmark experiences room-
temperature environments. Do your best to look away when these codes

appear, but if somehow you end up reading one, memorize it; codes may
be important later. When finishing a book, you may log your progress in
the bookmark’s 8GB memory drive. Upon perfect, correct, and flawless
logging, do not press the red button and mail it back to us. Logs must be
inputted correctly, and the red button must not be pressed. The green
button, however, is just fine. Press the green button a lot. And like the
green button, the yellow switch may also be used for LED “happiness,”
but do not tell anyone about the yellow switch (remember, you aren’t
supposed to know about it). There is no orange button. Read smart! With
an E.X.L.A.S-T.B.F.C.K.B.L.K.E you can explore the fantasy worlds of
Tolkien with the fashion and function of the future!

[NOTICE] If code 212EE8PL appears, and you saw it (not recommended) and you memorized it
(recommended if seen), then congratulations! Press the red button and take two steps back.